


Hurt Heart

by exolunaticshipper



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Characters die, I cant write like this, KaiSoo - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Short One Shot, also it's OT12, everything I write now is fluff and romance, exo being adorable, this was my first ever fic and I was so evil in it...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exolunaticshipper/pseuds/exolunaticshipper
Summary: " Someone is always there next to me, but I cant recognize them.They help me. But it still hurts."After the fire, Kyungsoo was never the same. He just wasn't aware of how much had changed. And it would be heartbreaking to find out.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Kudos: 8





	Hurt Heart

Kyungsoo's POV

2017

I couldn't look back now, it was too late.

If I did, I would have to recognise what I had done.

The tears wouldn't compensate and neither would my death. Nothing would compensate for I did to the dearest person I knew.

Nothing could compensate for the one I killed.

****************

Flashback 2016

I pick myself up wearily and drag myself around the town, it's busy but I don't really care anymore. My eyes are shielded as if only seeing what I want to.

Maybe I was stupid to do something like that, but I don't care.

I don't have regrets and I don't have faults.

Because I don't know myself.

I am a bad person. I know that much. I carry around a burden yet I don't know what it is or where it could have started. I try unloading myself but it never works.

In moments, I'm at a gate. I know this place as the place of my birth.

I kick up the gravel in front of me now. Not really caring. The stony path is littered with weeds and the lawn is scattered with leaves and debris of a wreck.

The house is black with soot and the walls are charred from a previously intense heat. The ivy recklessly crawls up the walls and situates itself besides a small window.

I watch the door swing back and forth in the light winter wind but stubbornly stays attached to the frame.

The glass on every window was hollowed out so that the rooms were sure to be littered with leaves from the high trees gathered around the courtyard.

Once, this place used to be magical; sparrows and magpies and birds of many shapes and sizes flocked onto the newly trimmed lawn. A careless boy and his friends spread themselves among the trees with his friends while his mother would shout not to go too far.

But he didn't listen, that boy didn't listen. He trips and falls but stands up again, dusting himself and the mother sighs rolling her eyes. Older children sit in their rooms on computers and laptops talking to friends abroad they haven't had a chance to see in a while because of schedules of some sort.

The oaks were engraved with the writings and scratches of what looked like a child. Damaging what he thought belonged to him. 

The 'child' was a boy of around 16, who smiled and his heart shaped lips formed a small 'O' at the creation.

"Kai!" he called out.

Another boy came running, a little younger than the other, clumsily stumbling over his own feet before reaching the heart shaped boy.

They looked at each other for a minute before the heart-shape boy hugs the other and whispers sweet nothings to him. He pulls back and stares at the boy, pointing to the tree and explaining the hidden meanings behind the simple letters ' I.' 'L.' 'Y

I love you.

They share another smile and I watch as the heart shaped boy fades into nothing in front of my eyes and along with him disappears 'Kai'.

~

Dairy entry #212

Date: 16/07/13

Place: White Walls.

Everything hurts. The walls in this building are pure white and everyone speaks to you like a child.

I don't know why but it hurts so much.I hurt so much. It feels like I'm being torn apart.

I'm hooked up to machines but no one will tell me why. I'm so confused. 

Someone is always there next to me, but I cant recognise them.

They help me. But it still hurts.

But the hurt is tearing me up inside and I don't know what to do.

What do I do?

~

I stared at the last page in the book. I don't recognise the handwriting nor the words but the boy standing in front of me tells me it is mine.

"I've had it for years now," he said softly.

"I don't think we've met before- a friend of a friend?" I ask, offering a smile.

The boy laughs a little but he sounds pained. "Yeah... something like that, I'm Baekhyun" there's a hint of hope in his voice as if expecting something.

"Oh." He looks at me as I say those words but I don't catch the look in his eyes completely because I'm shaking my head at the familiarity. 

"Anyway, thank you- I'll be going now" I say turning on my heel with the book clutched tightly in my hands, too terrified to look back.

This place doesn't seem familiar nor do I remember ever setting foot in that place, yet the boy there and his friend 'Yeol' welcomed me so warmly as if they knew me.

Except I didn't know them. Nor did I wish to.

Did I?

~

Then one day, a few weeks after I met with Baekhyun, a boy turned up on my doorstep "Hi, Im Junmyeon" he said, he too had hope in his voice but I again offer a smile and shake my head, guilt wracking me;

"A friend of a friend?"

He laughs but doesn't respond but the look in his eyes say something else.

He doesn't move from my doorstep so I allow him in, getting him something to eat and drink.

I've never done that before. But it feels natural. I push the feeling aside and sit myself opposite him, coffee in my hand.

"So... how have you been?" He starts the conversation casually and I stare at him. 

"I'm good." Was he a hired therapist? He really dressed like one, with his high collared jumper and blazer.

"Hmm... EXO are the top ranking still, if you were concerned" he smiles and I nod my head although I have no clue what he is on about.

What's 'EXO'? I don't think I've heard of them... I'm not one to obsess enough to care who's on the charts. So what's 'EXO'?

I sip on the thick, bitter liquid in the cup and grimace. The boy chuckled "You were never one for coffee either..."

I raised an eyebrow and he smiled again.

"How are you after the fire?" his eyebrows dipped as if expecting some sort of reaction from me.

I shook my head not understanding what he meant. "What do you mean?"

He shook his head and sighed "I-... It doesn't matter Kyungsoo. I'll see you again tomorrow if you want?"

I nodded, still confused.

Then he left but I had so many questions. I hadn't introduced myself yet he knew me. He must have known me to be sitting so comfortably in my home. He knew my past too.

Did I have a past?

I was born with scars and blood. That's all I remember. Sitting with warm liquid on my face and pain singing through my body. In front of that house.

But that boy told me, I had a past.

~

The next day, the boy came back. He had bag with him too and he sits down with me explaining only a few years ago that he took up the profession of becoming Therapist. So I had been right.

I explain to him about my life from when I can remember and he nods at me with a small smile.

He hands me some albums and tells me to look at them between today and tomorrow and to tell me what I think.

I can only nod to myself as he leaves once more.

I open up the first album dated 2012.

There are twelve boys in the picture- 4 I recognise instantly. 

The names are neatly labelled underneath. Yeol. Baek. Suho and Do. is labelled underneath the boys I think I know.

The boy called D.o looks just like me too. His hair is brown and his smile is just like the heart shaped boy's.

I crease my eyebrows I flit through the next few pictures in the album. There are some where the D.o boy is on stage smiling and waving his hands to the crowd and I cant help but smile at his energy.

I get to the end of the album and there is picture of the D.o boy and another boy, arms wrapped around each other and leaning close to the camera.

The other boy has full lips and piercing yet soft eyes, slightly darker skin that made him look unbelievably attractive.

Underneath was messily scrawled: "EXO DEBUT. KAI AND SOO! 08/04/12"

The words remind me of what Suho said ' Exo are the top ranking still'

Exo. That boy in the picture. Who are they to me? Why did he show me this?

I dont understand. I try to but a pounding headache finds its way to my head and I lie on the sofa out of exhaustion.

~

I wake up with a knock on the door and Suho's there. He glances at my bed raggled appearance and chuckles again;

"Never a morning person either" he smiled, taking of his shoes and sitting down. I watch as he glances at the albums, lying open.

"So what did you think?"

"That D.O boy with the big eyes looks a bit like me?" I said bluntly. "And you're in the pictures too"

"Yeah... a few years back we knew each other really well... then..." Suho caught his tongue and glanced at me.

"Then?" I asked, intrigued. "A few years back.

"Then... are you sure you want to know Kyungsoo?" He asked and I nod eagerly. I have a past... 

The thought hasnt fully sunk in yet.

"There was fire... Soo" Suho said, gazing at his lap. "There was fire where you and Kai lived. Your dorm was a little further from the main dorms but you said you two didnt mind the old wood floorboards,

Then some jealous fans came, some afraid you would take Kai away, others were the opposite, thinking you would leave them for Kai.

They set fire to the building. It had been sabotage- and your room was covered in oil. You were probably too sleepy to notice since we finished our Promotions for our 3rd big single.

You were the only one at home too. They made sure of that. You got burned really bad. And you were barely recogniseable when they dragged you out of the house"

Im staring at Suho at this point. Fear coursing through my body because I can see the flames and the blood. I can see the oil which I ignored, I can see the screaming face. The face of the heart shaped boy. The face of D.O. The face of Kyungsoo.

My face.

Im gasping for air and Suho reaches me cradeling me. I push him off "YOU'RE LYING!!! YOU'RE LYING!!! I DONT KNOW ANYONE AND I DONT CARE! I DONT KNOW ANY OF YOU!!"

Even as the words left my mouth, I knew I did care. I knew I did know. I knew all of them.

Xiumin, Luhan, Kris, Suho, Chen, Lay, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Tao, Sehun. 

Kai. 

I knew all of them.

Suho walked into the kitchen and I felt hot tears cascade down my face. I could feel the flames still licking at my skin, stinging and burning. My cries for help ignored as people were wound up in their selfish greed.

I thought that night I would die.

I remembered being rushed to the hospital.

And the world was a blur. Someone held my hand and rubbed circles on the skin and I squeezed back in agony.

Then everything began to fade and I remember cries of '"His heart is failing!!"

But I couldn't make sense of it all.

\----

Suho was back in front of me, handing me a glass with a concerned look.

"I remember... the fire..." I state, the tears refusing to stop and I muster up a smile. "If my heart was failing. How am I still alive?"

Suho shook his head "I cant tell you. It's not my place"

"Please! Help me remember!"

"I cant!" Suho screamed, just as anguished "I just cant ! Okay!?" He rushes out, breathing heavily, tears of his own on his face.

His scream is still echoing in my ears and I reach for the diary that didnt quite reach the baren fireplace where I last threw it. I picked it up.

On the front I notice twelve names scrawled and one of them is my own. I read through every story in a life I can barely remember.

My life.

One that I wish, so much that I could go back and live.

But I cant.

I reach the last page again. But this time I don't shut the book, I turn to the hard back cover and sure enough on the back, there is more writing.

Not my own, but someone else;s.

And as I recognise the words. I understand finally, why Ive been hurting so much...

~

Diary entry #213

Date: 01/08/13

Place: Heaven

To Do Kyungsoo,

For you, I would give my heart.

Kai.

~

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I posted on my AFF acc (exolunaticshipper). A short Kaisoo oneshot  
> This is the beginning of me moving/cross posting my fics to AO3.  
> Posted on 14/09/13  
> Cross posted to AO3: 27/07/20 (Mildly edited for flow)  
> Please comment and give it lots of love- I'm still not used to writing angst and this is one of the few that's there.


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